Saturday, September 03, 2016

The Best Way To Love

No one wants to feel alone, yet no one wants to be heartbroken. This statement presents the paradox of life. As humans, we all desire company and companionship. But to find the best companion, you have to work on being the best companion there is.
It is simply not enough to say that when you find "that someone" is when you will work on being a good companion. It has to start with YOU. Are you the best companion to yourself? Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and still love what you see, both inside and out?
For you to find that genuine love, you first have to learn to love yourself genuinely, fully and freely. Only then can you give that same love to another person.

The Three Types of Friends

In life you will meet three types of people;
Some who will love you for who you are.
Some who will break your heart.
Some who will love you for what you have and pretend to love you genuinely.
The best love is found in the first category of people.
The best pretenders are found in the second type of people, while the third group competes with the second group in their purpose, and should be kept at a distance. They are the worst kind of friends, because their time with you will only last as long as they can benefit from you.
When you are not able to satisfy their beneficial hunger, they turn away and forget you.

The Poison of Toxic Social Relations

Sometimes in life we are tempted to hold on to things and people whom, even when it's rather clear, are not good for us.
Toxic situations and relationships within social settings are largely defined as and when two consenting parties are involved in each other's lives, but what they have going is unequally shared.
This can be in many ways. For instance, when one party takes unfair and uncalled for advantage over the other based on various differing criteria, or when one party (selfishly) refuses to commit themselves fully to the ongoing relation with their significant other.
Such instances call for a review of pre-existing relational ties, especially on the part of the victim of unfair treatment within the otherwise toxic relationship. Lest one sacrifices his/her individuality, self-worth, and inner peace, all for nothing good in return. This may sometimes result in negative consequences like, chronic depression, stress-related illnesses or in worst case scenarios, suicide.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Sex and The Perfect Mate

Walking along the streets in many places around the world, many are the times you will find magazines at news stands touching on love and relationships, several of them being predominantly feminine-based magazine brands. And within some of these many magazine covers are some articles touching on the male gender, issues to do with sex and sometimes, what to look fr in a potential partner.
It is arguably true that many of the articulated issues on males target women in general, but in some arm-twisting way, these writers also aim to hopefully reach the male gender in form of boyfriends and ultimately, husbands. Also, not to be left out are the single menfolk who may "stumble-upon" these magazines in some way.

A large percentage of today's magazine world has been invaded with what I could call the "sex-obsession". Too many writers are literally obsessed with the topic of sex to the extent that they spend their time researching on different aspects of the subject matter. The result of this endeavour; article titles such as "10 Best Sex Positions" "10 Ways to Leave Him Wanting More" and so on.

It is of little wonder then that a female as young as 12 years of age wold classify "good bed performance" as being one of her desired qualities in a boyfriend, considering the fact that the society is slowly but surely deeming it 'normal' for a girl even as young as 10 to lose her innocence and feel totally nothing afterwards. Sex and sexuality has gradually taken over the reins of relationships today. Many are finding and dumping partners in close succession based on how bad or how good they perform between the sheets.

In reality however, this type of background is what breeds the infamous sex-addicts. A man, or woman for that matter who lives out her love life that way will most likely be a victim of depression at some stage of life. Another risk that is posed by such a lifestyle is the infection or contraction of STI's and STD's, most common of them being HIV/AIDS.

So, what then should be the factors to consider when finding that perfect mate?

For starters, there isn't really any such thing as a 'perfect mate'. Every person has imperfections that are unique to their own personality, and it is upon anyone who attempts to enter the individual's life to accept these imperfections, as it is said  by some that an aspect of  true love is loving an imperfect person perfectly. I guess that saying was more of a leaf borrowed from the Christian faith,with regard to how God loves humankind.

Below are some tips that one should consider when searching for that potential mate:

Similar Interests
Many individuals go into relationships without first finding out whether the person they are getting involved with has anything in common with them or whether the person has similar life goals and dreams. This is one huge mistake that often leads to huge heartbreaks and it could lead to major clinical depression if done repetitively.

Compatible Personalities
People with similar personalities tend to click much faster than those who have parallel personalities. Most tend to get along very well and have fewer conflicts or arguments. There is peace in the home for the married couples. Mutual respect and understanding is definitely a bonus point here!

Sense of Humour
This aspect tends to either be underrated or under-stated. Okay, it is no necessary that both partners involved need to have this quality in plenty (though it would be an added advantage, to spice up the relationship with much fun). One partner's sense of humour could fill the void and make up for the other's shortage (or lack, thereof), hence make the relationship worthwhile.

Emotional Sensitivity
By this, I do not mean the tendency to break down to a tearful state, no. It implies that each partner should individually have the ability to look out for the other's emotional needs and consequently be able to rise to the challenge of meeting those needs, without being or appearing to be condescending in any way. This is because when one partner has this quality and the other doesn't, the one who lacks may resort to taking unfair advantage of the partner that has this quality, thereby leading to a decrease in the degree of love, especially on the part of the victim. More often than not it has been a sad reality that the female gender has been on the receiving end of the aforementioned unfairness. A factor that truly needs to change for the better.

With these few points in mind, it is, or would be much easier to find and maintain a long, mutually fulfilling relationship and marriage, if it gets to that point. Sex is or would then be re-positioned to its truly right place of being a method of expressing love between individual couples, rather than be a qualifier for a relationship.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The First Date

Okay, first of all, I'm not going to talk from a "Know-it-all" point of view. What you are about to read are just my careful observations and suggestions, made after studying several first-date situations and doing some research....

A lot has been said and done with regard to preparing and going through that first date with someone who, for relatively obvious reasons, is unknown; physically speaking.
The question in the minds of many, especially the first-timers in love is "What should I do when preparing for and/or going through the first date with that guy/girl?"
Here are a few pointers that aim to satisfy the answers required for such a question about that first date:

(1) Be Honest With Yourself
It has been a common practice, especially with some individuals who use social media (e.g. Facebook, Twitter) as a source of interaction, to put up, or rather upload photographs or pictures depicting people who are anything but their true representation. For instance, many a time it is found that a guy who is advanced in years puts a photo of a gender-mate who is younger and more 'good looking' than he; or, on the flip-side, a lady who hasn't been "blessed" with features that would make any guy go "ga-ga" uploads a picture or pictures of one who would be said to have the finest of body features, all in an attempt to deceive members of the opposite gender, as far as appearance is concerned. All this deceptive agenda works against the individual concerned in situations where it reaches the point of going for that (awaited) first date. This is especially so when one is dealing with a person who has put high expectations of his/her perceived date's appearance as far as the uploaded photo is concerned.
When such expectations are present, it is more often than not a case of severe disappointment when the one of the two people involved in that date does not look as 'good' as they did on their uploaded internet profile photograph. In some instances, some resort to reactions that would otherwise be considered as 'harsh' or 'uncalled-for'.
These deliberately conscious deceptive acts that occur during over-the-net interactions have reasons specifically known to the individual, but their effects have the potential to adversely affect the concerned friendship in the aftermath of the first date, or meeting. Perhaps in awareness of this, some people avoid this by simply putting photos of a celebrity or some influential figure of society.
The best known remedy to this deception and its effects, is to be honestly proud of who you are and the features you were naturally blessed with. As boring or as cliche as it may sound, that initial honesty will go a long way, and will be returned by the person you meet, with an additional benefit of true appreciation.
Take yourself as you are, and apply the same to the person you meet!

(2)  Relax!
The effect of this factor can never be under-estimated nor can it be over-stated.It is said that some people can tell a lot about a person within the first 5-10 minutes of meeting them or by looking at the person's shoes; and that the first impression matters a lot. That means, if you meet someone for the first time, and either of you acts all clumsy or too nervous and/or quiet around you, the possible impression that sticks to memory is one of being care-free or shy towards people; or if the person talks a lot, never gives you enough time to express yourself or interrupts you abruptly, the impression given out is one of over-confidence, rowdy and rude. Traits that should be avoided, if at all the intention of meeting is to grow the progressing friendship into something more; like a romantic relationship.
Like the first factor, the best thing to do while on the first date or meeting, is to completely be yourself, relax, and let the meeting flow as it naturally should.
Oh, and for those who apply the "first 5-10 minutes" and even the "shoe appearance observation" rules ease off on the judgmental stuff

(3)  Don't Put The Cart Before The Horse
This one is for those people who go to a first meeting wit someone wanting, or expecting events that should happen much afterwards to happen on that first meeting. For example, some may want the person to jump into bed with them after that first date or even form some kind of romantic bond right there and then, especially when the meeting is between two friends who, until then, have never met physically.
The effect of such things is often a huge dent or severe damage to one's reputation The exception applies to those who may agree beforehand to have those 'strings' attached to the first meeting.

(4) Compliment Your Date
I know this one sounds corny, but like honesty, its effect goes a very long way. It can help build self-esteem of the person you're meeting, and even ease the tensions that may spring up during the initial moments of the meeting quite a bit.
Tip: Do not under any circumstances or for any reason go fishing for compliments. The situation will most likely work against you!

(5) Smile and Be Courteous
For those who have a habit of looking like they've been hit on the face, or are not used to doing it often, this one is especially for you. Increase your friendliness level, you'll be surprised at what you achieve. The best way to start and get used to it; make the mirror your best friend when you're alone somewhere at home...

Friday, October 21, 2011

Managing After A Break Up

As we all know, breaking up isn't really a walk in the park, regardless of whether you are the one initiating the break up or on the receiving end of it all. But what matters is how you handle yourself after or in the event of a break up.
One of the most important things to keep in mind is that a break up of any romantic relationship is NOT the end of you or the end of the world, and it will never be. In order to make it through the healing process successfully, each individual concerned should take time to re-assess themselves, as the healing process is basically a time of re-discovery of oneself as one gets over the feeling and desire of having the other person next to them or close to them in the event of spending "quality time" together.
Many people usually go through this period with a huge lump in their throat, feeling so low and depressed. In some cases, the person starts experiencing suicidal feelings and thoughts, especially if the one they loved was held so dear and close to their heart. It has been said, even by medical professionals that the depressive feeling one gets during such a time should not be left to sink down to the level of contemplating suicide, as that state of mind would require urgent medical intervention. In order to avoid this pitfall, one should always think and be positive.
Another thing to keep in mind is that, after any break-up, nothing that's said or done will ever make the relationship go back to how it used to be during the happy times. Some couples may try and re-unite, but for most cases, this attempt ends up failing, sometimes to a worse extent than the first time. To be safe, the analogy "once a mirror is broken, don't try picking up the broken pieces, as you may hurt yourself (more) in doing so" should be effectively utilized and implemented. One may argue out the point of the two individuals remaining as friends, but you can't really rule out the definite possibility of resentment existing between the two parties, especially in the case of the one who was on the receiving end of it.
Last but not least, and most importantly to be successful in surviving a break up, one should first take time to find forgiveness, both for themselves and for the person who caused the hurt in the heart. Strive to be more social in interacting with people. Be sure to go out and make new friends, as this will heavily increase your chances of finding a new partner, that is if one still has the desire for it. Avoid going for a person who has similar personality traits, or a similar character as the one from the broken relationship. The situation may or may not work in your favour. Be spontaneous and try new things! Go for a person whose likes are quite different from yours and see what comes out of it, because sometimes difference can be exciting. The importance of this statement can never be underestimated: always THINK and BE POSITIVE, especially when meeting new people and gaining more friends.

And lastly, to all those who give up on love after a failed relationship, this one is for you...
There is joy in loving yourself, but be sure not to enclose yourself in your own world. Find time to heal, forgive yourself and whoever you were in love with for anything and everything negative or bad that happened. Don't be afraid to let someone get close to your heart. If at all you decide to say a permanent "No" to love and romance, then it may be best to settle for a number of close friends, even from the opposite gender, for the purpose of having someone you could always turn to whenever you have a bad day or time in your life.
In all that you think, say or do, above all, never forget your Creator. He is and should be your best friend, for He alone knows you the most, and in spite of everything that happens to you, He will get you safely through those bad days ands nasty moments in your life.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Making That Relationship Work

Relationships as we know them have existed in our world from the beginning of time, and have evolved slowly taking into effect rapid societal changes. People get into relationships for different reasons; some may be personal, others may be for financial gains. In these modern times, one would be forgiven for getting confused about what, or even how successful, inter-personal romantic relationships work. Here are my points and ideas as to what makes a successful relationship.

This is one aspect of relationships that is mostly taken for granted. Given its importance, it is the third quality after mutual love and trust. The power of communication in any romantic relationship cannot be under-rated, neither can it be under-estimated. Both parties need to be on the same page about almost everything that pertains to the relationship. You cannot expect a relationship whereby especially a married couple sleep next to each other but the most they say to one another is "Good morning", "Goodnight", "I love you" and "Have a nice day dear/honey/baby/sweetheart"; and in the case of a family, only say more than the above to each other when talking to their kids. It just doesn't work that way! There needs to be more investment and emphatic effort by both partners put into communicating with each other.

Support each other's needs
Many relationships begin to deteriorate and wither away simply because either or both partners refuse to or don't do enough when it comes to caring for each other's needs; be it financial, emotional, sexual or even spiritual. In some cases, the cause of all this may be linked to a significant lack in the area of communication. Which goes to say that for this aspect to work, adequate communication is required

Compliments! Compliments! Compliments!
Like communication, the effect of compliments in any romantic relationship can never be under-estimated. They tend to make one feel loved and appreciated by his/her partner. One should always take the time and effort to throw a compliment to his or her partner from time to time, even for the smallest thing. But try not to exaggerate them, or you'll end up looking fake and sounding unoriginal. For the gentlemen, take time to notice and pin-point the smallest changes that your girl makes, for example if she changes her hairstyle, which is something that the ladies often complain about the men in their lives don't notice.

Spend time together
Couples should always strive to spend and enjoy time being next to each other. This goes hand in hand with sharing house chores for the married couples. On different occasions, couples should try and create time to go picnicking, to the movies or even to the park just the two of them. However mundane or cliche this may sound, it should be remembered that when it comes to love, it is the simplest of things that count the most. There is still an open option of finding more creative ways of enjoying each other's company, and in doing so let it be a way in which the bond between both partners becomes even stronger.

Well, these are my four points and ideas as to how to make any romantic relationship become successful. There may be others that I may have left out, but I leave it to you, dear reader to point out via your comments any other important point that has been left out.